~thE preTendiNg mE!

"What is it in us that makes us feel the need to keep pretending?"

The pretty-confusing me as always had pretty interesting conversation yesterday.
Just keeps sinking in my head from time to time.
I know that it's there but never pay the attention to it that much.
But surely did keep running in my head from there since.
So ... from 'The Random Thought' pads on the back on that side again.
And here how it goes..

People like me seem to think that pretending is ugly and demeaning.
It used to make me feel small and worthless. Over time I learned to hide my pain. You wouldn't have known the shame that I felt because it lay beneath my mask. But it was there, always close to the surface, hidden but always there.

Then it becomes a part of me now.
It was part of what shaped and molded me.
Shame and anger, dust, dirt and despair.
The fear of not fitting in and the fear that maybe I would fit in, but not with the people I wanted to.
Where did I belong...no where and to no one.
That is how I felt and how I was caught into the art of pretending.

The art of pretending was my security blanket and my curse. The art of pretending might have helped get me in the door, but will it ever fix the pain?

Still, over the years I gained a thicker skin or maybe it is a thicker head.
It's just me to decide for myself which way it went.

The conversation ends with the bright light from the dance floor spot on me, facing it with my very big smile and relief. Such a feeling of believe in and lighter head to fit in the saying of 'It's not wrong to pretending' 'It's just one of the way life is'
But sometimes you gotto let yourself be.

Still with this blank head of mine.

---
xox

~aMonG thE cRowD..

Again when you just sit still,
Lower down your guard,
It found you!
Bull-eyes!
Can't run.
Cant' hide.

Not sure of where you are.
Not sure of which way to head.
Your consciousness is not to be found..
nor ever exist there then.
Confusion arises.
In the lightness of the air, it floats away.
Sitting here, seeing it there.
Not far of sight nor close the range.
Still no movement.
"Do you want it back?"
Do I still want it?
Do you? Do I?
No attempt to decide, to move.
Let it flow.
Lost the focus.
It's all blur.
Just that.

I am the loner among the crowd.
Is it fake?
I don't know.
Is it real?
I can't say.
I am just that.
The loner among the crowd.
That's i am.
That is just it.

---

~Under the bright spotligh..

Entering the year with the bright of light.
So bright you can't even see things ahead of you.
Not even you've tried.
They are floating here and there.
Invisible to the eyes and mind.
Nothing to be found.
It's all empty.
The road is empty.
The seat across me is empty.
Both of my hands is empty.
There is nothing ahead, aside and behind.
My head is floating to nowhere land.
There is no one there.
It's too crowded, no one is there anymore.
A hollow place in this solid body is empty.
As much i think i can fill it in, it just keeps being drawn into that dark spot inside.
It's just empty.
Drifted mind keeps moving freely, no chain, no attach, floating...
No destination nor the origin.
No action, no reaction, it all stays still.
In this deep hollow of my heart & mind.
Don't come too near.
Neither go too far.
The lost of untimate answer.
At the spot of undefined results.
No one is watching.
No one is holding.
Nothing to grasp.
Nothing to release.
Just empty.
Just still.
It's just like that.
The beginning of the light.
Too bright.
Too big.
Too empty.
Just that.

....