~Hey Bob~

Dear SpongeBob,

You don't know me, frank to speak neither do i.
However the reason for this mail is that I have been told from good friend that i am somewhere somehow like you. Not speaking of the same yellowish you have and what i am called in some part of the world that we are alike, it's about how the nature of yourself functioning.

Good friend said that I do just absorb things around me.
I am always be able to send out as much energy that i have kept in me for the past 20+ years of time. For places and friends that i went and knew, one thing that mark my existence is the energy. The entire room just easily lighted up or warm up, just like that. It was that for quite a while, the big one. Then here it just went dry on me. Without any beeping sound.

On the past weeks, what i have encountered in my life is the feeling of how your cell phone battery is losing power. It just likes you are lost in the deep jungle with your one last tiny bit of the battery. It is the moment of last best breath to help you connect with the society outside. Then it just got switched off.
Silence... Nothing move... Nothing show..
Truth to be told, i couldn't even smile nor laugh.
That's strange, weird and scary.
I don't feel like even want to be with myself.
That's freaking scary, Bob.

So SpongeBob, as jolly as we are. At that point of mine, it ain't feel any fun at all. Friend said that is me absorbing. I seem to agree with that though.
He said if the environment around you is so toxic that screw your mind, i should just change it. It doesn't mean that i have not tried. It's just still the big challenge you know, Bob. Have you ever go on bowling? It is just like that for me. If i am competing with the good one, my score can go up till 150 or more. Competitive girl you are talking here. But seems like i'm not in that skill-fulled team at all. Each day just sucks out more and more energy out. It's draining out here. My head is getting heavier and heavier. My body seems like i am in the final round of Amazing race show! It is just mentally and physically hurt.

For not knowing me at all, Bob. I have to tell you it is the first time ever in my life. I never know that any kind of activity or normal calls it 'work' can really make i be like this. This ain't good. I gotta tell you.

Faster i need to get back.
I am recharging here.
still III.... ...% and charging...

So don't be stranger or stop like me if i'm slightly weird here.
It is still me. I hope that it is just still me though.

On this personal note, Bob.
Even from this so tiring moment, on another side of the world there is a sweet friend who reminds me that it's gonna be one year that we have met. It just seems like we know each other for too long and surely the distance doesn't keep us apart. It surely steal one glance of sunny smile to my face. Thanks Eugen. Really sweet of you to say that. love love,


So see you around Bob.
--
xxx

at lll....2-3%~

Here at the stage of recharging myself & facing letting go issue.
still...... in the process though.
Anyhow, something just sneak into my head and trying to get cut in the line, interesting though.

As same as pop-up card can surprise you, this question also.
How smart the person need to be, to be able to take care of you?
If you are notice or known as smart and clever, the one who can or should be taking care of you or being your partner, has to be the one smarter than you?
Then it would be just that hard or super hard for someone who consider oneself as clever, confident and independent.
Will there be anyone who fit that profile for that someone?
That answer is too clear and blur at the same time.
Then comes my kind of opinion.
If that one seems to be clever, smart and confident plus all of that will s/he need that same quality? Why?
For me that sounds boring.
Back to several years back that i was asked in the MCP election, how will you feel if there is 2 of you? The answer at that time was great.
Seem likes it wont' work this time though.
When that someone already plays those role, again why s/he would like to have another one to play that?
Not for me though.
So the answer in sms goes like this...
'I dont' need any smart or clever guy to take care of me. Just needs to handle with Care. Just that'

With all that run and still running in my head, it help me to recharging myself back in a way though.

ps. can't help thinking is that the hint question or just the random question comes with the cool breeze that makes u long for the cuddle and hug these days in BKK?
(In the stage of want to get answer and not at the same time)

Hugs me, the weather is cooling here.
--
xox

~For the chance never comes~

My feeling now is filled with grief and anger.
I have lost the opportunity to learn and meet with one of the great man.
The one that i wish to be able to talk, share, ask, impress and be impressed by.

He who now lost forever.
He who chose to take his own life.
He who never let me any chance to know him.
I know not what should i feel.
I know not exactly what should i do.
It's all blank...
White....
Too bright that does not allow your eyes to see nor does your heart.
Too bright that makes the tear rolls down.

I know not what to do.
For he who was my responsibility is now gone.
For he who could clear all the doubt that i have in mind.
For he who got me excited of meeting and plan of impressing him.
For he who would be one of the best mentor i long for.
For he who now gone forever.

That's the grief, here is the anger.

One of dear friend said that it always good to know what is your emotion is at.
It is in me now the anger seed.
The one that i try not to spread out. Still needs to control it.
I could not believe!!
Could not at all what i have heard from the leader of my org.
For the saying that i feel cut by knife is better.
I wonder how can someone be so inconsiderate sitting in the chair of leader of charity org and said such horrible thing.
No one has the right to anyone like that !
It's just furious!!
The anger is still here. At least i know.
The grief is still here. For sure i know.

Anyhow, be with you God. Protect him well.
K. Jonathan, for the man that i admire and respect.
You are now where you chose to be.


With all my respect.
--

~Good HuNtinG daY~

My dear told me not to be upset over my expectation over the event here.
Just only that my friends can't come for one night event, can't compare to the catching up throughout the years that we have.
True! Actually the not-so-upset feeling sunk in a big while after that.
The first thing that came to my head of course, how can i shake this feeling out? Not to spoil my lovely shiny Sunday?
There is only one answer there. SHOPPING!

So i went out on the hunt.
To hunt the anger and upset of my head.
Also for once i need to spoil myself with materialistic things. (it's been a while)
So, i got quite interesting day with my sister. (it's also been a while to shop with her)
Well, if you have a chance try to go out shopping with one girl who works in the super high-end corporate with good paying and another girl who works for the foundation that feel happy if she can get into the free buses home. haha it's indeed interesting.
So, to get over my upset, i did pretty good though.
Got myself, one fancy top, one dress, one belt.
To have Japanese lunch and Vietnamese dinner. (fancy!)

The hunting was good.
I got several.
Still, can't help think of how great would it be if my dear can make it to the event this sat.
Cant' help not thinking that.
But i do understand.
Trust me, i do.

Love & miss,
--
xxx

~As we are..~

"As Kids we grow up together with our family.
As young adults we go out into the world looking to make our marks.
As matured grownups we come back to what makes us feel the most happy and content."

Where are we at then on this journey of life?
Where am i at in this roller-coaster ride of mine?

Learning is the key and the move of each day here.
How's yours?

--
xxx