~OveRfeD wT coNfuSioN~

Life is full of the unexpected things, dont' you think so?

I found one artical about the Journey of Self-Discovery at the time that I am overfed with the confusion. It says...

We all begin this journey through life as innocent babies, instinctively expressing our needs, in a relaxed and natural way. All too quickly we are conditioned to be "nice" and "good", and made to understand that as long as we follow the "rules", our lives will unfold in positive ways. Sooner or later, something occurs in our lives - a loved one leaves or dies, or we get a fatal disease, or in some way we feel cheated or betrayed and we learn that, try as we might, we cannot control life.

I begin asking questions, searching for the answer, discovering my unique individuality. Begin to investigate my usual beliefs and judgments, seeking the truth, not so much by following others, but by daring to be honest with myself. Still, i dont' think i am brave enough to do so. How do I come to know my truth? Some told that people normally do that simply by stopping the "lie". Do I lie at myself? Am i capable to stop it? Can i?

Lying to myself- Am I trying to pretect my self-image by pretending that my life is perfectly under control? Now I am deep sunk in the confusion and not at all "in control" of my life, thought and feeling. Nowadays, my energy is no longer needed for daily physical survival and there is a feeling that are there more to life....my life??

I always tell myself and others that we have the choice every morning when we wake up, to live in misery or in bliss. Our minds are like movie projectors, projecting onto people and situations the movie of our own making. We can play at being victims of events or people, but it is more empowering to take 100% responsibility for how we choose to respond to events in our lives. Now.. this projector of mine is going to run out of battery.

Sink in the pond of confusion, not be able to move, knowing if stay still i will be suck in deeply ..deeply... nothing move...everything is normal .. only me that stay still.. no energy ... no battery...nothing functioning...everything shut down...brain ...feeling... pain... tear.. and sooner my unique life will be gone...

5...4...3...2... ... ...

~FuTurE bRigHt, fUtuRe AIESEC~

I remember the beginning of my term as the MC 03-04.
We were at the mall parking lots, posted lot of photoes for our MC presentation. We quoted this one "Future Bright, Future MC 03-04" That's really super fun.


.. an old times... :-)


Last sunday I was honor to be the chair of the MCP election & MC selection of AIESEC Thailand. In the same room the same spot when i was elected 2 years ago and a year ago when i got my successor, I was there again this year. I was really happy, truely happy.
See the young faces and hear the passionate and creative speeches.

My first happy is to see the one and only, my own blood from my Eastern LC- Tum got elected as the MCP of AIESEC Thailand 05-06. He was the member when I was the LCP. We have quite a long story together.

The 2nd comes along with knowing there are 2 candidates from my LC - Eastern. It's such a long time. I was the only one from the LC in my MC team. And I was the one in several years back. There is none in the current MC team. That is just double my happiness.

The 3rd arrives with knowing there were 6 candidates from every LC for the MCVP positions. If they all make it, it will be the full team next year. Great great great news. MC capacity whoo whoo

You think that's all!! nah nah nah the 4th still keeps knocks on my face, to see there is one candidate run for the finance position. MCVPF!! It has been way far back in the MC to have the VP Finance. I have a chance to talk to her before the election. She's pretty cool and very keen on the finance challenges in AIESEC Thailand.

I just couldnt' stop smiling, laughing and gigeling all the way from the meeting room 'till i got back in my bed. Since, it's pretty much late. Couldnt' call to scream or share my happiness with my loves and the long distance phone bills are getting higher and higher so decided to go to bed with the super duper happy at heart.

Still telling or bragging about it to everyone I meet on msn and through the phone since Monday and seem likes i can't stop it!!
Now a bit afraid of i might getting too much happy..

Happi mE!!

~iT's yoUr LOST noT aPPly for MC~

It's just again this time of the year. MC Election. For me it is considered as the greatest opportunity for the youngs to challenge and widen their view to the AIESEC world. To shield them up from the society but at the same time sugarly covered them for the real world.

In these couple of weeks, the memories of my MC term flashed back time to time- the greatest time of my life. It's fun, honestly. Incredible feeling so great when Jay (my dearest MC ER) told me on the other days that there are so many thanksful to AIESEC for making him today. Also, from my workplace, some said that these are the type of people who are the product of organization called AIESEC. It does feel so GREAT!!! happy me. Can't stop smiling for days ;-)

However, as always the happy doesn't stay long. While i am at the peak of joyfulness, my heart is sank deep in side, deeply down. Ironically, AIESEC is the place to build the future leaders today, still the position of President is empty at the moment. No one apply for. And the worst part is that.. this situation is considered as normal for AIESEC Thailand. Why ? Why? Why? It's always aching everytime thinking of it.

The opportunity likes this only comes once or twice in your lifetime in Thailand. Being Leader of international organization. Being the representative of your own country at the every early ages of 20. That's freaking COOL!!!

I still in search of the answer. For not sure when will this search be over. Tears also pay a visit everytime thinking of it. It came when i was the LCP looking for my successor. Glad that only few not as much as when i was looking for successor for MCP last year. It's the tap overflow at that time. And again they would not miss for this year. They have paid their visit and still not leave yet. I fear that this time they will stay long. Just hope that i am wrong for that. It's hurt badly. It surely is.


Wish for the better of AIESEC Thailand.

Weaw J.

~ The story of the GIRL~

Here is the story goes.

Yesterday was the first day for the MAN to get his first shot to fight the bad disease. For the first time in the GIRL's life this always-Heman to her was this weak. There was no tear drop. For the GIRL doesn't feel like to or for reasons that stay unknown. For the moment the GIRL thought for herself "Don't Cry, else the LADY will feel weaker and more unsecure. Dont' Cry. Cant' cry" The GIRL stayed at hospital with them for two nights. Took the days off. GIRL tried so hard not to fall sleep throughout two nights. Feel pity for the LADY for the GIRL knows from this day onwards it's bye bye the full night sleep for her... for them.

It was Friday last week that the GIRL knew about this.
It's called Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The MAN is in the Stage IV. The GIRL prefers to call the extremely red stage.
It's all blur and confuse. There is no symptom at all. No sign or anything that leads or makes any clues to that.
True that from time to time the MAN gets tired but it's normal for the GIRL as he's getting old and he has his own disease, not one but several.
As everyone says, life is unfair but again that is life.

The GIRL doesn't know who to turn or talk to...
The Family then??.. the GIRL thought. For the fact that they are the perfect to talk and to express her feeling with.
The GIRL is confused. Somehow, the worriedness and the stress in each person have stop her from doing so.
"What does the GIRL fear of?" "Fear of talking this issue out loud or Fear of the more the GIRL talks the more stress the LADIES will be?"
These questions still there.. for the GIRL not know the answer.
The GIRL knows she dares not talk to friends that much for fear of being pity by them.
The GIRL hate that feeling.

Several months that took for the GIRL to decide on her job, on what to do with her life.
For the all best, the GIRL decides to work in Bangkok.
For this time, how to make it win-win when at the end there is noone feel like winner.
It just can't be...

Thanks DEARIES for being such good companions.
The GIRL cherishes that from near and far.

Just dont' know what to think now.. for the GIRL

for now ..May all the strength be with the FAMILY.

Love you all,
the GIRL
29 Nov. 04