~Hey Bob~

Dear SpongeBob,

You don't know me, frank to speak neither do i.
However the reason for this mail is that I have been told from good friend that i am somewhere somehow like you. Not speaking of the same yellowish you have and what i am called in some part of the world that we are alike, it's about how the nature of yourself functioning.

Good friend said that I do just absorb things around me.
I am always be able to send out as much energy that i have kept in me for the past 20+ years of time. For places and friends that i went and knew, one thing that mark my existence is the energy. The entire room just easily lighted up or warm up, just like that. It was that for quite a while, the big one. Then here it just went dry on me. Without any beeping sound.

On the past weeks, what i have encountered in my life is the feeling of how your cell phone battery is losing power. It just likes you are lost in the deep jungle with your one last tiny bit of the battery. It is the moment of last best breath to help you connect with the society outside. Then it just got switched off.
Silence... Nothing move... Nothing show..
Truth to be told, i couldn't even smile nor laugh.
That's strange, weird and scary.
I don't feel like even want to be with myself.
That's freaking scary, Bob.

So SpongeBob, as jolly as we are. At that point of mine, it ain't feel any fun at all. Friend said that is me absorbing. I seem to agree with that though.
He said if the environment around you is so toxic that screw your mind, i should just change it. It doesn't mean that i have not tried. It's just still the big challenge you know, Bob. Have you ever go on bowling? It is just like that for me. If i am competing with the good one, my score can go up till 150 or more. Competitive girl you are talking here. But seems like i'm not in that skill-fulled team at all. Each day just sucks out more and more energy out. It's draining out here. My head is getting heavier and heavier. My body seems like i am in the final round of Amazing race show! It is just mentally and physically hurt.

For not knowing me at all, Bob. I have to tell you it is the first time ever in my life. I never know that any kind of activity or normal calls it 'work' can really make i be like this. This ain't good. I gotta tell you.

Faster i need to get back.
I am recharging here.
still III.... ...% and charging...

So don't be stranger or stop like me if i'm slightly weird here.
It is still me. I hope that it is just still me though.

On this personal note, Bob.
Even from this so tiring moment, on another side of the world there is a sweet friend who reminds me that it's gonna be one year that we have met. It just seems like we know each other for too long and surely the distance doesn't keep us apart. It surely steal one glance of sunny smile to my face. Thanks Eugen. Really sweet of you to say that. love love,


So see you around Bob.
--
xxx

at lll....2-3%~

Here at the stage of recharging myself & facing letting go issue.
still...... in the process though.
Anyhow, something just sneak into my head and trying to get cut in the line, interesting though.

As same as pop-up card can surprise you, this question also.
How smart the person need to be, to be able to take care of you?
If you are notice or known as smart and clever, the one who can or should be taking care of you or being your partner, has to be the one smarter than you?
Then it would be just that hard or super hard for someone who consider oneself as clever, confident and independent.
Will there be anyone who fit that profile for that someone?
That answer is too clear and blur at the same time.
Then comes my kind of opinion.
If that one seems to be clever, smart and confident plus all of that will s/he need that same quality? Why?
For me that sounds boring.
Back to several years back that i was asked in the MCP election, how will you feel if there is 2 of you? The answer at that time was great.
Seem likes it wont' work this time though.
When that someone already plays those role, again why s/he would like to have another one to play that?
Not for me though.
So the answer in sms goes like this...
'I dont' need any smart or clever guy to take care of me. Just needs to handle with Care. Just that'

With all that run and still running in my head, it help me to recharging myself back in a way though.

ps. can't help thinking is that the hint question or just the random question comes with the cool breeze that makes u long for the cuddle and hug these days in BKK?
(In the stage of want to get answer and not at the same time)

Hugs me, the weather is cooling here.
--
xox

~For the chance never comes~

My feeling now is filled with grief and anger.
I have lost the opportunity to learn and meet with one of the great man.
The one that i wish to be able to talk, share, ask, impress and be impressed by.

He who now lost forever.
He who chose to take his own life.
He who never let me any chance to know him.
I know not what should i feel.
I know not exactly what should i do.
It's all blank...
White....
Too bright that does not allow your eyes to see nor does your heart.
Too bright that makes the tear rolls down.

I know not what to do.
For he who was my responsibility is now gone.
For he who could clear all the doubt that i have in mind.
For he who got me excited of meeting and plan of impressing him.
For he who would be one of the best mentor i long for.
For he who now gone forever.

That's the grief, here is the anger.

One of dear friend said that it always good to know what is your emotion is at.
It is in me now the anger seed.
The one that i try not to spread out. Still needs to control it.
I could not believe!!
Could not at all what i have heard from the leader of my org.
For the saying that i feel cut by knife is better.
I wonder how can someone be so inconsiderate sitting in the chair of leader of charity org and said such horrible thing.
No one has the right to anyone like that !
It's just furious!!
The anger is still here. At least i know.
The grief is still here. For sure i know.

Anyhow, be with you God. Protect him well.
K. Jonathan, for the man that i admire and respect.
You are now where you chose to be.


With all my respect.
--

~Good HuNtinG daY~

My dear told me not to be upset over my expectation over the event here.
Just only that my friends can't come for one night event, can't compare to the catching up throughout the years that we have.
True! Actually the not-so-upset feeling sunk in a big while after that.
The first thing that came to my head of course, how can i shake this feeling out? Not to spoil my lovely shiny Sunday?
There is only one answer there. SHOPPING!

So i went out on the hunt.
To hunt the anger and upset of my head.
Also for once i need to spoil myself with materialistic things. (it's been a while)
So, i got quite interesting day with my sister. (it's also been a while to shop with her)
Well, if you have a chance try to go out shopping with one girl who works in the super high-end corporate with good paying and another girl who works for the foundation that feel happy if she can get into the free buses home. haha it's indeed interesting.
So, to get over my upset, i did pretty good though.
Got myself, one fancy top, one dress, one belt.
To have Japanese lunch and Vietnamese dinner. (fancy!)

The hunting was good.
I got several.
Still, can't help think of how great would it be if my dear can make it to the event this sat.
Cant' help not thinking that.
But i do understand.
Trust me, i do.

Love & miss,
--
xxx

~As we are..~

"As Kids we grow up together with our family.
As young adults we go out into the world looking to make our marks.
As matured grownups we come back to what makes us feel the most happy and content."

Where are we at then on this journey of life?
Where am i at in this roller-coaster ride of mine?

Learning is the key and the move of each day here.
How's yours?

--
xxx

~iN thE dArK...

So many times when our thoughts come to dead ends, our minds are full of darkness.
And so many times when we let our mind journey into the darkness,
Our thoughts shape and form amazingly.
In the dark our imagination never stops.
The dark surrounds us when we are thinking alone and brings the light off
Imagination shining to any places where our open minds appears.
The process of open mind takes time similar to entering from a bright place to a glimmer one.
In the first three steps, we barely see.
Everything is dark.
But finally,
after our visions accept darkness and have become parts of it, we gradually see.
Details emerge.
At the end, a glimmer and lonely place becomes playful as far as our imagination could go.
Unlimited imagination has introduced humankind to technology.
And again, technology keeps repelling the boundary further.

--
Caught into dark while wandering around the Bangkok Design Festival '08.



--
xxx

~enJoy thE riDe...

From the going down ride plus the attempt of shaking away my frustration, there seem to be many things eager to escape of me. I let my mind play around here and there for the sake of finding where to rest.

The regular rider on BTS (BKK skytrain), pack in the morning, this note to all the rider.
--
Finding something to not bring your work to your mind before hitting the office, i manage to this fun ride to work.
Try this...
According to good gal, wiki..
In Thai tradition, there is an astrological rule (which has influence from Hindu mythology) that assigns color for each day of the week. The color is assigned based on the color of the God who protects the day or Navagraha.
Sunday is red for the SUN.
Moon comes next for Yellow on Monday.
As they said Real MAN wears PINK so it is for Mar on Tuesday.
Go Green for Wednesday on Mercury.
Jupiter gets Orange for Thursday.
For most guy's favorite color goes Blue for Venus on Friday.
Purple for Friday goes for Saturn.

Well, since the time of King Rama V Thai people loves to wear the shirt, dress according to the color of the day.
Back there, the beautiful one is to dress color contradict to one another. On monday to wear yellow top and green bottom, or Pink & purple for tuesday.
So the fun thing to do is to spot those color of the day.
Monday will be easy though as everyone wears yellow to celebrate our King Rama IX's birthday.
So you can try to see the fashion of yellow there.

Tuesday is one of my favorite.
As GUT got his t-shirt said 'Real Boy Wears Pink', i do believe it that since.
It is truly lovely day of the week when you can see pink everywhere.
A lot of pink or a bit of pink here and there.
Pink shirt, blouse, dress, tie, belt, shoes or even little as the color of the nail.
I just think that seeing pink sock or pink tie on a guy normal working dress just so cute that bright up the smile on my face.

Now i got one of my Aussie mate to join this fun.
Try it yourself then.
Especially if you are wearing the color of the day as well, you just find the same with you.
Or if you wear different color, try to spot the one that wear the same color as you are but on the different day then.

Share if it does make your morning more sunshine to brighten your smile.

--
xxx


photo from Flickr

~oN thE waY dowN...

Life likes a roller coster i may say..
It gives you the trill of going up and just right next second you got your down.
Couple weeks that i have been on the ride here.
As repeated many times as i may here, i am against the feeling of getting use to the thing that you don't enjoy just because that is what the way it is.
It it ain't do any good, change it. No matter how hard or how long will it take.
--
I encounter the spot that i wish not to be in and never get use to it in my work place.
Politic!
As much the sky tries to ease the heat of the politics in my country, it still spreads out like the bad disease into my bubble.
There is the task given. It's filled with the more than 100% of my energy as my first task. Excitement, Joy and tiredness.
Then there is (was) hope. To be able to visit the unknown and at the same time one love of your life.
Epinephrine pushes my endorphin super high.
Then, BAM!!!
I was knocked out my the saying of 'You understand me, yeah?" Are you okay?'
My reaction with anger and my almost-tear-drop smile 'it ain't okay'
In the professional side is the disappointment of not be able to be there to help getting the voice of youth out and help make it be heard.
Just only hope that it ain't gonna be that bad for the kids to enjoy the 2,000+ delegates with my boss and my boss' boss.

Besides that.. is just
Like the little kid that was given the promise for the present that she always wishes for, then got taken away.
It aint' okay, i repeated.
Anger rushes in.
Disappointment invades.
Unable to let go the frustration, but trying (so hard)
Bottom-line, no more Brazil, no more fingers and toes crossed for Rob and Me.
Too bad dear.
Just too bad.

Still trying to shake it out of my head.

---
xxx

~waKinG uP~

Good week for the good start of the month, i have to say here.
Try my best to lay my feet on the ground to face the reality of life here.
Thanks for all encourage and wisdom.

----

Try this when you wake up, put this on the mind..
'Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty-four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment an to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.'

Look up to the blue sky.
Put smile on your face.
Begins the day beautifully.
It does help to make your day great.
I am doing this.
I have more energy.
I smile to more people.
It does feel good.
Try it yourself!

Smile, You are Alive!
--
xox