Healing Here...

Setting: On the BTS Sukhumvit line on the way to work.
Time: Somewhere between 8.00 - 8.30 am.
Surrounding: Crowded of people.
Weather: Bright Sunny sky.
Mood: Calm & blur & lost (still)
Moment:

Suddenly, i managed to aware of my breathing this morning from 1 - 8 (yes, not yet managed to 10 and on the several attempts)
I do aware of some short moment of my shower, breakfast, on the BTS.
Just a bit by bit, my moment arises. The brighter sunshine did strike to me and hit me into my inner brain. I need to get a grip on myself. I tried.

Today, the feeling is better.
Life is still hard. No deny that.
But i do enjoy the sun and the sky today, even only short time of the morning. I'm glad and embracing that moment.
I tend to get the slightly spark back in my eyes.

The good thing is that once i tend to gain and heal myself a bit here,
I start to doubt, see and learn thing again.
What i have learned today is that how strange a person can be.
On how blind-fully sometime not notice that s/he is somehow alike the person that s/he hates the most.
It is truly on the eyes of the beholder indeed.
You never see who you are through your eyes and thought. Not even you have the mirror in front of you.
You will only see yourself through the eyes of the people who loves you the most.
Love & care you enough to say things that you don't want to hear or admit to yourself.

Here we are, living in this planet.
The puzzle of life and the livings.
Where people do what they do.
Believe in what they believe.
Talk what they talk. But not what they think.
Hear what they want to hear but speak what they don't want to hear to themselves.
Funny...
Ironically...

.... I am getting better.
No worries love.
I am still alive.
Still breathing here.

-----
xxx

Wake up Call!

This is frightening me.
For what i have seen or experienced just now.
I went to the prostitution area here in southern part of my country.
Even though, i was told not to go there.
Even though, i was told of what it looks like.
Even though, i was not feeling or wanting to go.
I went.

It's unlike anything i have imagined it be like.
Calls me naive or optimistic, but i never think that this actually happens to another human being, esp. to these young girls.
It looks like a shack, crammed into the long house connected in many wooden rooms.
There are around 28-35 young girls calling out 'Daddy, Daddy u want me?'
I was afraid.
I could not look into the alley, just glance.
My brain did not function well.
I was ashamed.
I was so embarrassed.
I wish not to continue to walk nor see anything else.
But i got smack on my head with the saying 'Weaw, come on look up, walk in. Don't be embarrassed, this is your own country!'

Then, i got back to my senses (still shaking)
I walked into the alley, to see their living condition.
Not good, not good at all.
It is not considered as any living condition.
I was frozen.
I could not move.
Not to know where to look and where not to.
Scared. I was.
Scared of knowing how sick this world is.
Scared of the fact that i can't do any help for those young girls.

I could not utter any words.
Shocking i was.
Shaking i am still.
I'm glad i went there.
I know that i should not.
I know now that i need to be stronger (mentally and physically) to protect and fight for them.

.....
Morning ..
Woke up with the feeling still in me.
Woke up to face that this is what i actually saw with my own eyes.
As they said 'Seeing is Believing'
Now i feel it.
I know it's not to compare to what those girls are like.
At least, a single tiny bit of that already afraid me.
I need to be stronger (mentally and physically)
I know that i need to.


--------------

Worth sacrifice for?

I just want to be good at my job, but how good that i can really be?
Once i have read the book, something similar to the saying that for ppl who want to be good, many seem not to up for the sacrifice for it.

From the longest weeks ever here, i wonder am i up for that, that sacrifice?
To sacrifice my beautiful bubble for the rotten truth in here.
To sacrifice my individual space for absorbing how unjust one person can get.
To sacrifice my ambition for the misunderstanding between being good and being liked of people around me.
To sacrifice my believe of 'Changing the world' for the politics in the workplace.
To sacrifice my energy for such irresponsible and lazy asses around me.
To sacrifice my happy sunshine smile for the cowardliness of a person who suppose to be the leader to up for his actions.
To sacrifice my enjoyment of life of every small things for such a two-three-faces around me.
To sacrifice my happiness, my laugh for the tired of being and surrounding myself with all these shits.

.......

I love who i am.
Many love ones of mine love who i am.
I like what i am doing.
I learn much, the good and the bad.
Even though it seems to be more toxic than ever.

Questions are:
Am i still love myself?
I am, i think i am.. not sure now.
Will i harm my love ones for what i am doing or putting myself into now?
I hope not... not sure now.

Not sure.
Not clear.
Not know.

----------

wHt you WanT?

For what i believe, i should know what my feeling is and deal with it.
I should know the BAD seeds in me and not to water them.
So one way to know and i know is to let it OUT.
As i also believe the saying of
'GET MAD and then GET OVER IT!!'
For once the naive me, would like to believe that there are no people who do bad things intentionally. They just forget to think of the consequence or the harm that might occur to others for their actions.
I did think like that. for once i did.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They are there and not seem to move.
I know they are there. Not sure of they know that i know.
Confuse no. 1.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They come from the place i am in, from the people around me.
I know they are there, they know i am there, still we might not able to see ourselves.
Confuse no. 2.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They come from one, from the one i do not see.
I don't know where s/he is, s/he knows i am here.
I know what i feel and who i am.
Not sure of s/he knows me or even thyself or not.
Confuse no. 3.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
I know they are here and i don't want to accept that it spreads out.
Innocent people are also in this vicious web.
I dont' like the feeling.
I am angry.
I know this seed.
I dont' like the feeling.


Confusion leads to depression along with the no way to run.
Not attempt to run, just pause.
I wonder will i can?
Can i be?
For now, i long of just myself... just that one. The naive me.

-----
There, Nelly goes....

Hey you, the one outside,
Are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don’t fit in,
How ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside,
Are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want

----------------------------

~LonGiNg for iT~

I was in the meeting on Sunday.
Surrounded with the familiar faces.
Listened to the things that i know well, good and not so good.
Said what i thought it might make things better, get appreciated.
Heard the suggestion and willingness to support with smile and sincere.
I felt good.

I was in the meeting on Monday.
Surrounded with the familiar faces. (different)
Listened to the things that i get to know better now, good and bad.
Heard too many excuses, blaming, defensing, scolding, being sarcasm, pin pointing...
Guilty faces, pushing things away, irresponsible, unfinished tasks, overloaded things.
Said what i thought it might make things differently for the hope of it might be better, get ignored, no attention, not listened.
I felt sad.

I was in 3 meetings today.
Surrounded with the unfamiliar faces. (blank)
Listened to the things that i thought i knew but i don't (blank)
Heard so many thought and ideas (blank)
I felt... (blank)

-----

Quite many people here and there said i am (now) sound like grown-up, being mature.
I wonder... if by
Accepting things as it is.
Getting used to the fact that i can't do everything and can't change things.
Admitting the reality and live in the real life.
Surrendering to the truth of 'That's life, you can't do anything about it'
Letting things go easily without trying my very best.
Then, i asked myself ...
do i want to be like that?
or
am i already that?

*sigh...

I miss it.
I miss the feeling of it.
Something that i used to have and now i am longing for it terribly.

The feeling of enjoy what i am doing.
The feeling of surrounding of the people who have the drive and the passion to shake the world.
The feeling of being in the team.
The feeling of having a team.
The feeling of the TEAM.
The positive feeling.
I long for it.
I miss it.
I miss it so bad.

-----

~Too maNy HatS in SG~

Here i am at the Northest part of Thailand here, Mae Sai.
Last week i was in Singapore with my family. (short break)
Before that, i was in Siem Reap, Cambodia.
And the before before that, i was alone on my birthday at the border with Myanmar, Sangklaburi.
That is pretty much what happened to me since the relax and re-energize in china.

So, where should i start on this blog then?
Let's step back bit by bit.

It's nice to have time with my family in SG.
Drama here and there.
I was with Gut (so i am his nanny & playmate)
I was with my dad (so i am his caretaker & translator)
I was with my sis (so i am the peace maker with her hubby)
I was with myself (so i am a bit lost of what to do)
All in all, i think everyone is happy. (more or less)
We didn't go through everything but we did do something.
So that is nice to do from time to time i guess.
Daddy got to buy Gut the new Mr. Thomas.
Sis got to meet up with her old friend.
Gut got so many things and lots of fun in this trip.
My bro-in-law got to eat so many things and be amazed of the city.
I got tired but happy to be with my family, met up with friends, brought something for daddy and sis, tried on Singapore sling (still don't like it)
I guess that is pretty much nice time indeed.




---
xox

Easy Sat around the Lake ~

With some series to talk and some to watch, we are up for the brunch then.
With the nice cooling breeze in the morning, surely the hot black Yunnan coffee is one pretty good choice.
Word from the host says that local coffee; Yunnan, seems to be pretty popular among foreigner but not the local. Similar to this is also in Laos as well. Just the small fact then.
Sitting outside in the cool breeze, sipping hot coffee with yummy bread with garlic butter. That's nice. With the pretending of Sex & the City but here is the version of 'No sex & another city' haha pretty fun and joy indeed.



Another nice part here is that i got to meet up with a dear friend for have not met for sometimes. Met and nice talk with P'Sui after several years.
There goes the 2nd cup of my coffee of the day then. 'Ginger-bread latte coffee'
One of our dear host favorite coffee shop and now mine then.




Easy Saturday nice walk around for the girls to enjoy their shopping.
Around the Jade lake, we walk along.
Update on lives, living condition around and what next for the future.
Seeing many old people have fun, relaxing by using the park as their living room.
I like seeing wrinkles on their happy jolly faces.
Wind breeze, live local performances, nice time with friends.
It's such a nice Saturday that i missed out for sometimes.
Much enjoy,






---
xox