WeaWish

Stop to No-stop~

2010-01-24T10:29:00.004+07:00

Delegate 1: "What & When will be the reason that you stop volunteering?"
Weaw: ".....umm..."
Delegate 2: "Your family?"
Weaw: "No, they know that they can't stop me"
Delegate 3: "Your future family?"
Weaw: "H*ll NO, they better KNOW that they absolutely CANNOT stop me!!"
Delegate 4: "May be when you are in the hospital?"
Weaw: "Well, i managed to volunteer while i was in the hospital once ;-)"
Delegate 5-10: "ummm......"(this alumni is really crazy one....)

The answer that really run around my head is that ''til the day i die, i guess'
Of coz trying my best as always not to be that cheesy this is how it goes...
Weaw: "Well, once you know what your passion is and you are lucky enough to live it. To able to enjoy and embrace it. You will never stop. You will grab and hold on so tight as it is a part of your body and you can't live without. The taste is just too sweet and too good you won't stop eating it ;-)"
Delegate 1-10: 'ah.....' (on my very own assumption it is a good ah...;-)

Continue from that afternoon into the evening...
Weaw: 'So, what can i do if s/he is not calling for help?'
Dear friend: 'Then, dont' bother as s/he might try to figure things out by themselves'
Weaw: 'But i know that s/he needs help. I know that i can help'
Dear friend: 'Weaw weaw weaw, you are doing this again.'
Weaw: 'hah?'
Dear friend: 'This is what you always do. Trying to get yourself to help others despite the fact that s/he might want to try to do by themselves'
Weaw: 'But what if they dont' know that they need help'
Dear friend: 'Then they DON'T need YOUR help. Why can't you just get that? hah? By thinking like what you are now just keep you suffering yourself more and more. Why do you still keep doing this to yourself?
Weaw: '......'
Dear friend: 'You need to know dear that what is the reason you keep doing this. What does it that drive or urge you to do this? Once you know then you will be able to stop the suffering and keep enjoy your true passion.
Weaw: 'i guess so.'

So what i get from that is 'Don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.'

Thanks Jay for always there for me.
Love you more and more
*mwah.

~Start off Fresh~

2010-01-24T09:57:00.002+07:00

Ginger coffee on my right hand, sitting chilling in my new home (Baan Weaw) for 2 weeks now.
Strange feeling might surprise you in somehow if I say that it does feel weird a bit though.
For those who know me, freedom is what always long for. Here i am, get it all over me.
Strange feeling. I thought i would be jump up and down, bouncing on my new bed with joy and the pleasure.
Close my eyes to enjoy the sweet taste of it.
Not really though. Absolutely not for the 1st week.
Now it's getting in, i guess. As i am here sitting sipping coffee writing this.
Guess it's so true that better get yourself ready for whatever you wish for ;-)

Okay, Jan is passing by so quick that i feel the urge to grab every second of it.
Start of the year with 5-days self discovering training 'Who am I?'
With no expectation, always caught me by surprise every times.
Crystal clear on who I am as always, i found the reasons in which helps me to pursue on what i believe and passionate about.
Able to clear my head and decide to do what important for me at the moment.
Pretty good though.
Good rest after the crazy new year parties.

Thanks to P'pui & P'Pat for that.
Thanks to N' Fon, P'Note and N' Oom for that.

It's good time and finally can just sit down to write this out. ;-)
---
xox

~Quick glance back 09~

2010-01-11T09:46:00.004+07:00

A glance of memory in 2009~ (inspired by Mr. Jarod Lee)
It is actually a bit scary to look back on what i have posted in 2009.
Somehow reading it here, i can't help but wonder 'is that me?'
So here it goes...

Jan:
- Countdown with the extreme breath-taking firework in front of my eyes.
- To M'sia for TC's wedding
- GMS meeting in BKK

Feb:
- Trainings & Traveling in Thailand: Sangklaburi (border to Myanmar) visited the lost city in the river.
- Training of Child Protection.

Mar:
- Back to Sangklaburi
- Crazy van drive: Mukdahan (TH) & Sawannakhet (Laos) & Aranyaprathet (TH) & Poi Pet (CAM) & Phnom Phen (CAM) & Battambong (CAM)
- Met AIESEC Cambodia
- Yeelui & Jarod & Jarod's dad visited BKK

Apr:
- Back to Sangklaburi for 1st training
- China visit: KunMing
- No birthday on my last 20th Bday (boo hoo)
- Travel for training in Siem Reap (CAM)
- 1st visit famous Angkor Wat (love it!)

May:
- Singapore Trip with Daddy, Sis, her husband & Gut
- Cross border in MaeSai (TH), Tachilek (Maynmar), Mae Sot (TH)

June:
- Visit Ranong (TH), Kaw Thong (Myanmar) Fishery industries
- Walk through the experience of child prostitutes (cried, confused, sad)
- Visit Ranong (again) Youth camp

July:
- Retreat in Cha-Um
- Visit Phuket (Child Safe training)
- Visit Siaji in Phuket
- Visit Ranong (again)
- Longest ever van ride from Ranong - Aranyaprathet (TH)
- My sister told me she's pregnant ;-)
- Cut my hair pretty SHORT!

Aug:
- YL & Jarod's wedding in M'sia
- Meeting in Siem Reap (CAM)
- Meeting in Mukdahan (traveled by train, love it)
- Faced the ugly truth of how ppl can look down on another human being. (1st time being angry that i cried my heart out)
- Rob's visit. Short and Sweet.

Oct:
- My very first resignation letter
- Being treated the way i never thought i would be. Being so low and depress (1st and pls be my last time)
- Back to Volunteer with Plum Village

Nov:
- Assist in UNDP's consultancy work
- Baan Weaw is finally finished
- Self-development and Networking meetings
- Decided to go for master degree
- Plum Village retreat

Dec:
- Crazily shopping for Baan Weaw and myself.
- Travel to see the sea of Fog in Chiang Khan
- Friends visited, chilled, fun, appreciated.
- Prepare for the life in 2010. ;-)

*****************************
Extreme girl as i am.
Looking back to 2009, i have encountered the worst and then the best.
Appreciate life more i know.
Value life more i do.
Friendships are undoubtedly needed and cherish.
Family is my very main focus.
Thank you 2009 for giving me such a fruitful year.

xox

With too much time~

2009-12-10T08:56:00.002+07:00

Lately i seem to have all the time in the world for myself.
I am fortunate enough to say that this is not the first time that i am in this moment.
Fortunate to be able to cherish this moment that many are long for.
Still, as many that know me will say 'You should not spend time too long with Weaw.'
or 'You should not let Weaw spends too long time with herself!'
haha so here it goes...

It is too hard to avoid the comparison when I see many of my friends accomplish in life.
Getting married, having secure job and future, knowing what aims in their life.
It is always greener on the other sides , i know that.
It is also green here, i know that too.
I can do whatever i want. But the question is what is it actually that I want?
One of my dearest told me (the way that i've never been told by her before)
'Weaw, do you know what is your focus? You seem to be able to grab just anything but nothing at the end'
I don't know that is good or not good though.
With the concept or believe that i can do just anything has made me actually do nothing.
Or not to be too hard on myself here, let says i have difficulties in actually start doing something.
I can have relationship anytime only if i want. (or am i fooling myself on this? I can have it, right? haha)
I can get set, ready and go on my future (or at least really start to plan for it)
I can just stick with what i can do best and deceive myself that is what i want to do.
My old favorite quote just floats up here 'BELIEVE IT ALL CAN BE DONE!'
haha back in the time where there is no limit on my energy level. (Not saying that there is now though)

As the way it is, things always have two sides.
One, i have the time to think and figure out what is really for me or what is the actually the aim in my life.
Things that actually get me all excited, raise up adrenalin and tickling my body.
Another side is the same feeling and thought that always in me, family.
I cannot deny that there are so many opportunities out there that are awaited for me.
However, there is the essential that stays here.

What do you normally do when you are standing at the spot of the intersection?
I did turn once 4 years ago. Never regret it.
Now the question is will i choose the same road again?

And i know it is still ...
"IT ALL CAN BE DONE!"

----
xox

Good Breeze ~

2009-11-23T23:05:00.004+07:00

Cool breeze brings in the good mood here~
I remember, i was once answered that I would love to learn how to share and spread love and happiness around.
As i feel i have so much love and energy to share.
The proof is that lately so many questions been asked 'Are you drunk already? But we have not started yet!'
Being jolly i am nowadays creates the doubts to many people.
Normal Normal my dear, i have to say.
It does feel good though to know that many friends have noticed how high on happiness i am via my facebook status. (haha)
The feeling is just good.
As i have finished the work that i never have tried before and amazed to myself the way i handled it. Challenging but managed.
Amazed myself of how i can control my excitement when met up with my old colleagues, expected and unexpectedly.
I was really in doubt and a bit hesitate though. But i guess it's true with the saying of 'Time heals.'

Each day that goes by, i sense that not only the good mood the breeze brings but also the slow motion here as well.
Taking things slowly.
Enjoy and appreciate it.
Listen deeply.
Speak (still) fast but trying to make some senses of it. ;-D

Try these,
Look up on the blue sky and sending your miss to someone out there.
By doing that, i feel fresh.
Not expect anything and Let things go by like scenes in the movie.
By doing that, i get surprise.
Try not to understand many but oneself,
By doing that, i am slowing down.
Hum your favorite song along with your steps on the road,
By doing that, i have fun.
Give yourself a good smile, sincerely or even funny one to yourself.
By doing that, i feel sexy.

Breathing in the fresh cool breeze fills up in the lung.
Breathing out with the big bright smile on your face.

Feeling good here.
Real good here.
--
xox

"Borrowed from Air's album"

Mee Kwam Suk~

2009-11-04T16:39:00.004+07:00

If you happy and you know you clap your hands... Yippy!

I am Happy. Very HAPPY actually.
Admitted as i am, i used to be quite afraid of the feeling of too much happiness though. (still a bit afraid, a bit)
Somehow, it always occurs to me that when i am so happy, it'll follow with some pretty sadness.
Anyhow, after i came back from the meditation retreat with Plum Village last week.
The feeling has decreased.
During the dharma discussion on Q & A session, Lung Pi has a chance to answer to the question of
'What shall we do in order not to get carried away or obsess with Happiness or Suffering?'
The answer is simple as it is, the answer is 'Uncertainty' (Ar-Nit-Jung)
Whatever comes, goes. Nothing stays.
So rather than being worried and afraid of getting into too much of Happiness, we rather enjoy and be mindful of the present.
That is pretty nice and simple though.

So, here I am.
Wake up in the morning with smile on my face even before i lift up my feet.
Check my smile again after brushing my teeth.
Give smiles to people in the morning on the way to the market.
Sometime put up to the sky in the hope of sending it to my dear friends across the world but under the same sky.
I am happy.
I know that i am happy.
I am trying my best to be aware of uncertainty.
I live in the moment.
I try my best to live and enjoy in that.
Ha ha and i am trying my best not to be carried away by it.

Here we go again, together people.
'If you happy and you know you clap your hands.. clap clap.
If you happy and you know you clap your hands.. clap clap,
If you happy and you know then your face will surely show.
If you happy and you know you clap your hands."

Enjoys and Live up the moment.
--
xox

~i Feel GOOD!

2009-10-18T23:23:00.003+07:00

Life is treating me pretty well here.
Not really sure of this feeling that keeps run here and there for me.
Not so sure that this is actually happening.
The sense of cherish in everything.
Every moments, everything that i am doing.
The walk, the talk, the eat, the sit, the run, the laugh, the thing, the sleep, everything i seem to happy and enjoy doing it.
The very bright color starts to coming (running) back to me.
I just keep on painting the day in my head. It even spreads out like the cartoon graphic in the cover of Mika's album. ;-D
Thanks to Jay as i think it is the effect from the workshop that i have joined last Sunday.
I do still question myself each day though, am i too happy and too joyful as being jobless girl here?
I really wonder. In that i think it is a good thing though. It proves that I do still think of the way to earn a living here.
Another thing for sure for the saying of 'One closed door leads to many opened ones.'
Opportunities and possibilities seem to be endless here.
Right back at me likes Jack that pop-up from the box, 'Everything can be DONE!' ;-D
Prioritize and Time management (pretty good one) I need to put myself into.

As a jobless girl, i have done...
- Sent one proposal for 1 year project to AUSAID.
- Create a group for being place to push my passion and knowledge forward. (stay tune for more)
- Participated in 5 days seminar on Women & Youth for Nation Building at TU. (joined for 2 days)
- Meetings with Board committees of Social Administration Foundation.
- Participated in NGO Connection Day with Microsoft Thailand.
- Translated 1 report doc.
- AIESEC Meetings in the role of alumni. (more than 5 times)
- AIESEC Meeting as Mentor.
- Participated in Art Therapy: Healing body and Mind through art. (Realize i do can draw abstract!)
- Walked throughout the 'Power of Youth, Power for society' in 5 malls. (Thrill to run into the Thaptawan youth group)
- 3 meetings on potential businesses in the future.
- Nagging my debtors. SHOW ME MY $$!!
- Re-connect myself with Plum Village, 2 times meetings.
- Went to Disney Fairy tales exhibition & OTOP BKK exhibition & BIG & BIH Exhibition.
- Cook for family and friends (4 times)
- Went to the family's business' Wedding function
- Many meals with international friends
- Coffee talks with good friends and junior friends.
- Revisit my favorite coffee shops, Exploring and discovering many new ones.
- Chat, Phone, Email my good friends around the globe.
- Laugh, Run, Giggle, Jump, Dance with Gut & Gam.

Many more here to list out!!
Feeling good here.
I do really feel good and much alive here!

Love u & Love me, Love myself.
--
xox

Checked OUT!

2009-10-12T21:57:00.003+07:00

"Life is a growth school. Every person and every experience come to us to teach us the lesson we most need to learn at that particular point of our journey."

Ok, I guess it's about time to update on my life here.
I have quit my work at World Vision Thailand. (Aug 08 - Sept 09)
1 year and 1 month. I have made it.
I have to say it ends nasty. Painfully hurt though. So took sometimes off and reflect on what have i got from this.
Tried my best not to be much into philosophy as some told me, so not to think too much. At some points, stop to figure out the reason why it happened. Stop trying to convince myself that there is some reason. Stop thinking that i have done something wrong. Stop bothering myself to think over and over of how's it like now, how's work, how messy, how crappy. Stop and be with myself. To realize and know my true feeling....
It takes quite sometimes. Longer than i thought. Longer than anyone can imagine. But it actually passed.
From what i have read, to learn from experiences, either we are awaken to this act of nature, or we can turn a blind eye to it and, in doing so, keep repeating the mistakes of the past until the pain becomes so great that we have no choice but to change.
I was giving up believing in ability to change. (honestly speaking)
I was having doubt and stop looking for answer.
But it all passed.
I know it's quite a ride and the thrill of on the ride will stay forever.
Saying here ..
Let's bygone be bygone.
I got MAD and now I got OVER it!

So, this is me.
Checked out!
and
here getting back IN!

Stay tune.
My energy is building up.
I am seeing changes ahead.
Feel good to getting back the control.

--
Love ya,
xox

how could it be?

2009-09-16T12:25:00.004+07:00

The imperfections as a woman are opportunity for me to grow.
If it weren't for our human failings, there would be no inner work for us to do on ourselves.
And it's this very interior work that reconnects us to our personal magnificence. To have more of what I desire in life, I must first become more of who I really am. As it said to become success, it's not really about doing more, it's about being more.

-'The Saint, The Surfer, and the CEO'

----
For several times this week that i was absent-minded while i was driving and ended up getting lost.
My mind was drifted here and there. More of there than being here though.
I was in pain. Real pain.
There seems to be the hole in my chest that air could pass through.
It is hurt. Sometimes it was too much that i was thinking I didn't want to handle it anymore.
How could this be?
It is still feeling though, less but not all gone yet.

From the unappreciated behavior that I have encountered for the work that i was doing or aiming to do. Feel hurt. That is one.
From being treated as i was a criminal and not deserve to be there. Feel degraded. That is two.
From the fake reaction and pity on me in which I don't need. Feel sick. That is three.
From the unprofessional and brainless reaction to the people who i respect. Feel frustrated. That is four.
From the unanswerable ridiculous decision or action to the situation. Feel hollow. That is five.
From the lies, hypocrite and two-faces people. Feel angry and shameful. That is six. (sick)
From all mentioned above, feel sad, tear down, doubts occur, energy is really at low.

Everything happens for reason.
Even though thing with no rational at all.
I gave up in search of the answer.
I gave up looking for the reason.
I just hope that once I am strong enough to look and think back, i can laugh at it.

I will shine again, i know i will.
From here, i got to know my weakness.
For the first time that i am injured this bad and be this weak.
It caught me and many friends by surprise.
This is the lesson learnt big time for me.
Time to grow up for real here.
Getting smarter and wiser.
Not naive and stupid anymore.

Dearest Friends, thanks for all that believe in me and be there for me to shout, yell, cry and bitch to.
You are my dearest.
I know you are there for me.
Thank you for being just who you are and there for me.

---

Taking Back Control!

2009-08-26T00:49:00.004+07:00

Just the few steps and then you will be cross to another side.
For all the time that your life is surrounded by the bridges but you never, not ever single once, to cross over.
Why is that?
Have you ever wanna be able to feel the ability to grab the world?
You know of all your life that the world is just in your arms.
With the millions of your dream to fulfill.
Everything seems to be clear.
There is nothing to be fear.
Just need to catch the world with your full stretch out at the length of arms.
Just that.
The endless possibilities of being who you are and the world you want to be in with the people you want to surround.
It seems like i am at high here.
The feeling of screaming out 'Yes!'
I am gaining that back here.
I am back in control of my life.
Whatever the decision it is, there is no regret.

This one is to you John.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
It is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
-Sydney J. Harris.

Loves,
--
xox

~In de MomEnt...

2009-08-12T13:48:00.001+07:00

“Every gathering has its moment”

Lately I am blessed with the opportunities to meet up with friends.

* 1 coffeetalk with friends at Train station.
* 1 shisha smoking at the Eypt resto in Nana.
* 1 (or 2) drinks at the roof top bar with good-old friend.
* 3 weekends in the row with my MC team including traveled together for the first time abroad to Malaysia.
* 1 weekend with my best friend's wedding!
* 1 weekend with international friends in Malaysia.
* 1 Sat with AIESEC members, Advisor & alumni.
* 1 Sun with my high school friends.
* 1 dinner with the long time have not met friend in Cambodia.
* Several chats & skype with the far-away friends.

Life is pretty much fruitful at the moment.
Happiness, smile and love are floating and hanging in the air.
Too much and I afraid of what will happen next?
Can someone be too much happy?
Am I actually be this much happy?

Love & Hugs around.
--
Weaw J.

a), b), c)....

2009-07-13T23:38:00.000+07:00

a)
I know that everyone is different.
I know that everyone is unique.
I know that human is the social animal.
I know that i am human.
Somehow, i wonder do we all need to be social animal then?
I am being just myself.
Not human nore animal.
What am i then?

b)
I do believe that everyone does has the right to live their life.
That is also applying to me.
Lately, i am not that sure though.
The feeling of being eaten alive here.
The picture of the boa eats elephant from "Little Prince" just pops up into my head.
Not the boa i am.

c)
I am afraid.
I am now again on this bumpy road of uncertainty.
There is no excitement anymore.
There is still energy though what-so-ever.
Somehow i also wonder, where does it all come from?
Still doing what i do but keeps questioning why do i do it?
Keeps finding the reason and encourage people to believe, realize and pround of what they are doing and keeps wondering why is that to me?

Those are what in my head.
I can't shake them out.
Either i cannot or i don't want to.
Not knowing.
....

I wish

2009-07-09T22:53:00.002+07:00

I am here.
Drifting after couple glasses of wine from the box.
Talking to people.
Discovering there is hope somewhere somehow.
Experienced that there are still good people.
They do know how to live the life.
They are living their lives.
I want to live their live.
Is that something you should reconsider and rethink, when whatever you see is the greener on the other side?
Envy. That is what i feel.
More envy and pity on my life.
I know i should not.
Anyhow, could not help it.
At one point, i do feel good that someway somehow there is still people, other human being, that do enjoy their life.
At another point, i wonder why could not i be?
Envy. There is the feeling. Envy.
Anyhow, i know that i can have that somewhere somehow.
If i want it, i know i will find the way.
The good concern to think here is that why am i not?
Why am i so certain of what i should do but not so certain of what will i do?
So indecisive!
Hate this feeling in the guts.
Anyhow, what kind of hold me on here is the spirit of people.
It is one of the driving factor to keep me rolling here.

I wish to be stronger.
I wish to be more effective.
I wish i do have the strength that i hang out with.
I wish i could.
I wish i do.
I wish..

------
Having a good time here over some alcohol.

;-D
Weaw J.

Healing Here...

2009-06-24T00:03:00.003+07:00

Setting: On the BTS Sukhumvit line on the way to work.
Time: Somewhere between 8.00 - 8.30 am.
Surrounding: Crowded of people.
Weather: Bright Sunny sky.
Mood: Calm & blur & lost (still)
Moment:

Suddenly, i managed to aware of my breathing this morning from 1 - 8 (yes, not yet managed to 10 and on the several attempts)
I do aware of some short moment of my shower, breakfast, on the BTS.
Just a bit by bit, my moment arises. The brighter sunshine did strike to me and hit me into my inner brain. I need to get a grip on myself. I tried.

Today, the feeling is better.
Life is still hard. No deny that.
But i do enjoy the sun and the sky today, even only short time of the morning. I'm glad and embracing that moment.
I tend to get the slightly spark back in my eyes.

The good thing is that once i tend to gain and heal myself a bit here,
I start to doubt, see and learn thing again.
What i have learned today is that how strange a person can be.
On how blind-fully sometime not notice that s/he is somehow alike the person that s/he hates the most.
It is truly on the eyes of the beholder indeed.
You never see who you are through your eyes and thought. Not even you have the mirror in front of you.
You will only see yourself through the eyes of the people who loves you the most.
Love & care you enough to say things that you don't want to hear or admit to yourself.

Here we are, living in this planet.
The puzzle of life and the livings.
Where people do what they do.
Believe in what they believe.
Talk what they talk. But not what they think.
Hear what they want to hear but speak what they don't want to hear to themselves.
Funny...
Ironically...

.... I am getting better.
No worries love.
I am still alive.
Still breathing here.

-----
xxx

Wake up Call!

2009-06-18T23:50:00.006+07:00

This is frightening me.
For what i have seen or experienced just now.
I went to the prostitution area here in southern part of my country.
Even though, i was told not to go there.
Even though, i was told of what it looks like.
Even though, i was not feeling or wanting to go.
I went.

It's unlike anything i have imagined it be like.
Calls me naive or optimistic, but i never think that this actually happens to another human being, esp. to these young girls.
It looks like a shack, crammed into the long house connected in many wooden rooms.
There are around 28-35 young girls calling out 'Daddy, Daddy u want me?'
I was afraid.
I could not look into the alley, just glance.
My brain did not function well.
I was ashamed.
I was so embarrassed.
I wish not to continue to walk nor see anything else.
But i got smack on my head with the saying 'Weaw, come on look up, walk in. Don't be embarrassed, this is your own country!'

Then, i got back to my senses (still shaking)
I walked into the alley, to see their living condition.
Not good, not good at all.
It is not considered as any living condition.
I was frozen.
I could not move.
Not to know where to look and where not to.
Scared. I was.
Scared of knowing how sick this world is.
Scared of the fact that i can't do any help for those young girls.

I could not utter any words.
Shocking i was.
Shaking i am still.
I'm glad i went there.
I know that i should not.
I know now that i need to be stronger (mentally and physically) to protect and fight for them.

.....
Morning ..
Woke up with the feeling still in me.
Woke up to face that this is what i actually saw with my own eyes.
As they said 'Seeing is Believing'
Now i feel it.
I know it's not to compare to what those girls are like.
At least, a single tiny bit of that already afraid me.
I need to be stronger (mentally and physically)
I know that i need to.

--------------

Worth sacrifice for?

2009-06-14T11:30:00.004+07:00

I just want to be good at my job, but how good that i can really be?
Once i have read the book, something similar to the saying that for ppl who want to be good, many seem not to up for the sacrifice for it.

From the longest weeks ever here, i wonder am i up for that, that sacrifice?
To sacrifice my beautiful bubble for the rotten truth in here.
To sacrifice my individual space for absorbing how unjust one person can get.
To sacrifice my ambition for the misunderstanding between being good and being liked of people around me.
To sacrifice my believe of 'Changing the world' for the politics in the workplace.
To sacrifice my energy for such irresponsible and lazy asses around me.
To sacrifice my happy sunshine smile for the cowardliness of a person who suppose to be the leader to up for his actions.
To sacrifice my enjoyment of life of every small things for such a two-three-faces around me.
To sacrifice my happiness, my laugh for the tired of being and surrounding myself with all these shits.

.......

I love who i am.
Many love ones of mine love who i am.
I like what i am doing.
I learn much, the good and the bad.
Even though it seems to be more toxic than ever.

Questions are:
Am i still love myself?
I am, i think i am.. not sure now.
Will i harm my love ones for what i am doing or putting myself into now?
I hope not... not sure now.

Not sure.
Not clear.
Not know.

----------

wHt you WanT?

2009-06-08T22:37:00.003+07:00

For what i believe, i should know what my feeling is and deal with it.
I should know the BAD seeds in me and not to water them.
So one way to know and i know is to let it OUT.
As i also believe the saying of
'GET MAD and then GET OVER IT!!'
For once the naive me, would like to believe that there are no people who do bad things intentionally. They just forget to think of the consequence or the harm that might occur to others for their actions.
I did think like that. for once i did.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They are there and not seem to move.
I know they are there. Not sure of they know that i know.
Confuse no. 1.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They come from the place i am in, from the people around me.
I know they are there, they know i am there, still we might not able to see ourselves.
Confuse no. 2.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They come from one, from the one i do not see.
I don't know where s/he is, s/he knows i am here.
I know what i feel and who i am.
Not sure of s/he knows me or even thyself or not.
Confuse no. 3.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
I know they are here and i don't want to accept that it spreads out.
Innocent people are also in this vicious web.
I dont' like the feeling.
I am angry.
I know this seed.
I dont' like the feeling.

Confusion leads to depression along with the no way to run.
Not attempt to run, just pause.
I wonder will i can?
Can i be?
For now, i long of just myself... just that one. The naive me.

-----
There, Nelly goes....

Hey you, the one outside,
Are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don’t fit in,
How ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside,
Are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want

----------------------------

~LonGiNg for iT~

2009-06-02T23:40:00.002+07:00

I was in the meeting on Sunday.
Surrounded with the familiar faces.
Listened to the things that i know well, good and not so good.
Said what i thought it might make things better, get appreciated.
Heard the suggestion and willingness to support with smile and sincere.
I felt good.

I was in the meeting on Monday.
Surrounded with the familiar faces. (different)
Listened to the things that i get to know better now, good and bad.
Heard too many excuses, blaming, defensing, scolding, being sarcasm, pin pointing...
Guilty faces, pushing things away, irresponsible, unfinished tasks, overloaded things.
Said what i thought it might make things differently for the hope of it might be better, get ignored, no attention, not listened.
I felt sad.

I was in 3 meetings today.
Surrounded with the unfamiliar faces. (blank)
Listened to the things that i thought i knew but i don't (blank)
Heard so many thought and ideas (blank)
I felt... (blank)

-----

Quite many people here and there said i am (now) sound like grown-up, being mature.
I wonder... if by
Accepting things as it is.
Getting used to the fact that i can't do everything and can't change things.
Admitting the reality and live in the real life.
Surrendering to the truth of 'That's life, you can't do anything about it'
Letting things go easily without trying my very best.
Then, i asked myself ...
do i want to be like that?
or
am i already that?

*sigh...

I miss it.
I miss the feeling of it.
Something that i used to have and now i am longing for it terribly.

The feeling of enjoy what i am doing.
The feeling of surrounding of the people who have the drive and the passion to shake the world.
The feeling of being in the team.
The feeling of having a team.
The feeling of the TEAM.
The positive feeling.
I long for it.
I miss it.
I miss it so bad.

-----

~Too maNy HatS in SG~

2009-05-17T22:40:00.002+07:00

Here i am at the Northest part of Thailand here, Mae Sai.
Last week i was in Singapore with my family. (short break)
Before that, i was in Siem Reap, Cambodia.
And the before before that, i was alone on my birthday at the border with Myanmar, Sangklaburi.
That is pretty much what happened to me since the relax and re-energize in china.

So, where should i start on this blog then?
Let's step back bit by bit.

It's nice to have time with my family in SG.
Drama here and there.
I was with Gut (so i am his nanny & playmate)
I was with my dad (so i am his caretaker & translator)
I was with my sis (so i am the peace maker with her hubby)
I was with myself (so i am a bit lost of what to do)
All in all, i think everyone is happy. (more or less)
We didn't go through everything but we did do something.
So that is nice to do from time to time i guess.
Daddy got to buy Gut the new Mr. Thomas.
Sis got to meet up with her old friend.
Gut got so many things and lots of fun in this trip.
My bro-in-law got to eat so many things and be amazed of the city.
I got tired but happy to be with my family, met up with friends, brought something for daddy and sis, tried on Singapore sling (still don't like it)
I guess that is pretty much nice time indeed.

---
xox

Easy Sat around the Lake ~

2009-04-18T12:06:00.002+07:00

With some series to talk and some to watch, we are up for the brunch then.
With the nice cooling breeze in the morning, surely the hot black Yunnan coffee is one pretty good choice.
Word from the host says that local coffee; Yunnan, seems to be pretty popular among foreigner but not the local. Similar to this is also in Laos as well. Just the small fact then.
Sitting outside in the cool breeze, sipping hot coffee with yummy bread with garlic butter. That's nice. With the pretending of Sex & the City but here is the version of 'No sex & another city' haha pretty fun and joy indeed.

Another nice part here is that i got to meet up with a dear friend for have not met for sometimes. Met and nice talk with P'Sui after several years.
There goes the 2nd cup of my coffee of the day then. 'Ginger-bread latte coffee'
One of our dear host favorite coffee shop and now mine then.

Easy Saturday nice walk around for the girls to enjoy their shopping.
Around the Jade lake, we walk along.
Update on lives, living condition around and what next for the future.
Seeing many old people have fun, relaxing by using the park as their living room.
I like seeing wrinkles on their happy jolly faces.
Wind breeze, live local performances, nice time with friends.
It's such a nice Saturday that i missed out for sometimes.
Much enjoy,

---
xox

April Holiday no. 1

2009-04-15T23:24:00.003+07:00

I know exactly what is good for myself.
To boost up the energy and the vibe to keep rocking on.
SATC with a good cup of coffee.
Besides that is just the good time spending with friends here and there.

At the very indeed moment of sneaking out of my mind and to seek for the hiding place, perfect timing arises here.
Long holiday with a bit of sneaking out.
As definition of destination for me is not the place but the people i will meet.
The very good new friend of mine, Miss. Mien.
So Kunming, China here then.

As usual of my fabulous traveling plan is to have no plan.
As usual as i am for almost the last minute booking flight (plus the giz of be on the wait list and flew with TG this time) haha
Also as usual of my dear country, the protest started one day before i departed.
Slipped out from Daddy of doesn't want me to fly out word.
With my attempt to pretend of didn't hear that. (not that good daughter of me then)
I told him that it's okay Daddy, i fly with TG, somehow i will land back to this motherland. No worries... (phewwwww.... rush off to the airport for me then)

Left the chaotic behind, i was up the air with the aim of relaxing, re-energizing and re-boosting my spirit.
Being greeting with the astonishing look of them at my t-shirt and short on the arrival.
Well, at first i thought of being attractive enough so that people start to look at me on the plane and at the airport.
Seem like that it's all the weather.
Kunming is up on the high place where the weather seems to be pretty nice and cool all the time.
'Pretty cold at night so better bring the light jacket' I should have thought that faster.
To get by the cool evening, we have 'Mushroom Hot Pot' as our dinner.
WV office in Kunming is surrounded with the Hot Pot. (similar in a way to the WV office in BKK that surrounded with the night club and dancing pub)
It must has been one of the criteria to look for the location then.
- It needs to be surrounded with something extremely.
haha just joking then.

So the first dinner is pretty interesting.
I've heard of this hotpot for several times from Mien.
It does lift up to the reputation.
It's the hotpot of the wild mushroom.
Even though it's not in the season so it's frozen, still the texture and the taste are pretty nice.
So the step goes like this
1) the mushroom goes in. Only the mushroom. Then it's up to the kinds that you chose for the minute that you have to wait them to be cooked.
Pretty fun to wait and see how hungry people need to be a little patient. Coz if you are being a little impatient, then you might be poisoned by the mushroom itself.
Again, thx to Mien for keeping the time or else Hang might not get back to Vietnam alive then. haha
2) the tofu and potato go in.
3) all the veggie.

Well, at this place is good service as the waitress/waiter will just keep on serve you. Not saying that it's the good serve but it's more of their duty to do it though.
More tea.... my cup is never empty.... More mushroom.... More tofu.... More greens.... my bowl is always full either you want it or not.
If you dont' want it, you just put it aside after they fill in your bowl. haha that's a good service i'm talking.

After that we arrived at KTV with a little drama from the taxi driver.
Poor Mien in listening to him though.
Kind of annoying of 'why these girls are so loud? Why are they laughing so loud or speak so loud? Other foreigner or Chinese are not loud like that!
OMG! i just want to scream out!! (luckily that i didn't)
Anyhow, with 4 beers and singing our lung off made that went away.

Original plan was to check out the local club but the crowd doesn't seem to able to keep the energy as high as I and Mien.
The question poped up as 'where do u get all the energy from?? And you just arrived!!'
haha... it's all there.
It's just that.

Off Head -

2009-04-07T21:43:00.006+07:00

As the tear drops from the sky tonight, my fear arises.

Dont' know why.

Not sure why.

The sharp pain strikes through this fresh meat of mine.

The feeling occurs.
In the middle of thunder and lightenings.

-- FEAR --
Lightening 1: Fear of losing live(s).
Lightening 2: Fear of losing control of oneself, mine.
Lightening 3: Fear of losing the ability to be true to oneself, mine.
Lightening 4: Fear of being who i (u) no longer know anymore.
Lightening 5: Fear of seeing the unfamiliar thing/flesh in the mirror.
Thunder 1: Fear of the thought that fly high and no sigh of return.
Lost ...
Lightening X: Gone ...

What am i?
What are you?
What's all that?
Absent minded.
What's so scare?
Why so?

Transforming me.

Don't get offended.
I'm just hiding.
Being absent minded.
Find me.
Being lose head.

What am i?
What are you?

Pls beautiful lightening ... pls be gone.
Left all the beautiful mess inside here.

-----

...zzzzzz

2009-04-02T23:17:00.002+07:00

--'Asleep'---, Angie [Hart]

I know who I’ll be
Don’t know if you see
I’ll start like a seed and I’ll grow like a tree
You’ll hang your love from my branches and leaves
Just watch me

When the bough breaks
Your baby will fall
You’ll sit by the phone and you’ll wait for my call
If I seem a little rattled
Just rock me

Out of all of the infinite things I could be
I’d like to believe that I’d like to believe
I’d love to believe I’m alive and I’m free
But I’m not
I’m asleep

I’m the person you’d be
If you ever were me
Perfection in construction a little incomplete
I get what I want and I want you to try and stop me

I’m a little disillusioned
I’m a little frail
Everything’s raw and it hurts to inhale
Maybe this is over and over with me
Or maybe this is just a different dream

---

Floating in the air.
Walking on the surface in my own thought.
Sinking in.
Not sure of what to think of.
No one to think of.
Let myself sink in.
Drifted mind.
Let it afloat.
There ...
here...
where...

confuse...
Gone ..
Try to enter the state of sleep
To be inactive
Feel nothing
Being numb.

Hope the night will end soon
and the sun will rise again.
energy is at low....
zzzzzzz........

---
xox

~juSt that!

2009-03-25T23:45:00.002+07:00

- - - - -

Some people say that i'm too open.
They say it's not good to let them know everything about me.
And they say one day they will use every little things against me.
But i don't mind maybe they're right.
That's just how it is and i got nothing to hide.

i live my life the way i want.
i got nothing to hide, nothing at all.
Life is not a fairy tale, they should know that life is real.
i live my life the way i want i got nothing to hide.
Nothing at all.
Life is not a fairy tale life they should know that life is real.
Life is real, yeah. Life is real.

A friend of mine gave me an advice..
He said be careful and think twice before you talk about your life.
Protect yourself just keep quiet.
The more they know the harder they try. To spoil your ways to spread lies and even though. I know he could be right i just said i..

i live my life the way i want i got nothing to hide nothing at all life is not a fairy tale they should know that life is real.
i live my life the way i want i got nothing to hide nothing at all life is not a
fairy tale life they should know that life is real.
LIFE IS REAL.

Me i be ayo ogunmakin fear no foe i am real from head to toe just like life is real and you should you.
Me i be ayo ogunmakin fear no foe i am real from head to toe like life is real and you should know.

- - - - - - -

My sis said that if you want something or someone to change, starts from yourself.
I don't need or expect anyone to change for me, then i'm not changing for any.
I will just for myself.
So DON'T ask me to change if you can't change yourself.
You should not ask what you can't handle.
And i know you wont' able to handle this.

Me, to be more open.
Me, to expect less.
Me, to stop at good and not strive for excellence.

Me i be i am, fear no foe i am real from head to toe.
And I live real and YOU should KNOW.

- - - - -

'deceitful'

2009-03-15T15:11:00.004+07:00

One by one we are getting in.
One blinds the others of the piece of lie that is created.
One is folding blinded in the own thought and deceive in romance.
In which of there might be some but none has shown out.
To be drawn and sucked in the delusion of one own creation.
Being kept in the bubble for a bit while.
Fresh, warm and calm while kept inside.
Trying very best to delude oneself.
It's not there.
That's just it.
Can't force as it's too fresh, real and individual.
Can't push as it's against the nature and willing.
Can't pull as there is nothing fall down and nothing to grab on.
The big piece of illusion one kept getting in.
Shrunken delusion of fragile bubble.
Blew off.
Too fresh and too real - hurts.
Blast all over.
Ache and pain.
The truth, the lost hope, reality, the doubt - gone.
What else can one do but just admit and accept?
Time needs to be spared.
Comfort needs to be provided.

Longing for that.
Longing for what fills in the air.
Longing for the warmth and kind.
Longing for the taste of those lips.
Longing for that...

Living in a delusion, try to face reality; then turn one into the other.

Get real?
Get lost?
Get over it?

...
xxx