~thE preTendiNg mE!

"What is it in us that makes us feel the need to keep pretending?"

The pretty-confusing me as always had pretty interesting conversation yesterday.
Just keeps sinking in my head from time to time.
I know that it's there but never pay the attention to it that much.
But surely did keep running in my head from there since.
So ... from 'The Random Thought' pads on the back on that side again.
And here how it goes..

People like me seem to think that pretending is ugly and demeaning.
It used to make me feel small and worthless. Over time I learned to hide my pain. You wouldn't have known the shame that I felt because it lay beneath my mask. But it was there, always close to the surface, hidden but always there.

Then it becomes a part of me now.
It was part of what shaped and molded me.
Shame and anger, dust, dirt and despair.
The fear of not fitting in and the fear that maybe I would fit in, but not with the people I wanted to.
Where did I belong...no where and to no one.
That is how I felt and how I was caught into the art of pretending.

The art of pretending was my security blanket and my curse. The art of pretending might have helped get me in the door, but will it ever fix the pain?

Still, over the years I gained a thicker skin or maybe it is a thicker head.
It's just me to decide for myself which way it went.

The conversation ends with the bright light from the dance floor spot on me, facing it with my very big smile and relief. Such a feeling of believe in and lighter head to fit in the saying of 'It's not wrong to pretending' 'It's just one of the way life is'
But sometimes you gotto let yourself be.

Still with this blank head of mine.

---
xox